I'm ashtyn. I'm 20. cheese nips are just like goldfish but for adults.

i’m a disgusting excuse for a human being. i feel so stuck, like there’s no way out of this. i hate this.

i’m just gonna go on a rant here, i apologize

i see a lot of posts all the time about people going through depression, and i can honestly just say i feel terrible. i’m not ignorant to the subject, i, myself, suffer from depression. it’s not just a state of sadness, it kind of becomes a part of you. you’re just depressed. doesn’t mean you can’t have happy moments and whatnot. you’re depressed. i don’t know what that means to the rest of you, but when i was going through it, there was nothing worse. in my opinion, it doesn’t get much worse than just completely fucking giving up on absolutely everything, friends, family, yourself, everything you cared about you just don’t give a fuck about anymore. i would just lay in bed all day, not even trying to sleep, not on my laptop, not on my cell phone just bawling my eyes out, all day, until i tired myself out and passed out. just fucking bawl, for no reason i could think of except that i just gave up. i gave up, so i really just didn’t want to be here anymore. the sadness was so overwhelming, my head felt so fucking blocked i just wanted to die. i really just did not see the point in living like this anymore, i didn’t WANT to spend my days in bed crying for no fucking reason, i wanted to be like other girls who had tons of friends and went out every day to the mall, on dates, out to restaurants with friends.. all that shit would have been great. instead when friends texted me i would ignore it. i wouldn’t even let them know i was feeling this way because i knew they’d try to help me out of it and i just didn’t want to burden them with this shit i was feeling cause i didn’t even understand it myself. YEARS went by like this. fucking YEARS. most kids are lucky to get help within months of noticing. maybe a couple of years go by. i had to wait 6 years. 6 fucking years of self mutilation, hating myself and everything around me, feeling like life just wasn’t fucking worth this. my parents passed it off as a phase, but i knew this wasn’t okay. i knew it wasn’t okay when i cut myself for the first time when i was 11 years old. i remember being fucking ELEVEN YEARS OLD and thinking it’s too hard to breathe every day, i don’t see the need to anymore. eleven. years. old. that’s not okay. finally, at 17 years old, i told my mom that this wasn’t okay anymore and that i didn’t want to die. i thought about how on those days where i had a lot of fun with friends and didn’t feel like complete shit for once, that that day was worth it. i wanted more of those days, and i couldn’t very well have them if i was 6 feet under.

truly, all of you going through depression, i’m fucking pulling for you over here. you don’t want to fucking die. get fucking help. don’t sit there in your room crying every night wishing it would all just stop, YOU have to make it stop. and not by killing yourself, cause that is the most selfish fucking thing you could do. get fucking help.

I don’t care about the fact that i have to take pills every day, and probably will for majority of my life. i’ve been taking these pills for a good 2 years now, and i’m okay. i used to hate that i could only be okay because of these pills, but at least i’m fucking okay. i am NOT where i used to be, and for that i thank fuck every day.

i can’t stand to think of another human being going through what i went through.

please. get help, for the love of god.

i will promote the fuck out of anybody who asks me personal questions.



whatever i don’t even care. does it matter if i miss the white pills? or no? just as long as i remember to start up the pink ones that saturday? seriously.

extremely personal. don’t read unless you got an hour or something to kill

whatever. just me explaining my life to myself from ages 11-17. mostly putting it here in case something happens to my computer.

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fuck it.

150 mg of zoloft did wonders for my self esteem, but completely diminished my sex drive.

10 mg of cipralex fixed the sex drive problem, but completely diminished my self esteem.

i don’t know what the fuck to do. it should seem obvious, but i also don’t want to feel like a fucking freak with no sex drive, especially while in a relationship.

my mom is ridiculous.

she’s recently told me that if i don’t take control of getting set up for co-op for next year, she’s sending me back to high school. but i called my school, and co-op is full for next year, so i called the adult education center and i can get my schooling done there, register this wednesday for $20, and hand in a $100 deposit cheque for textbooks. i told her i’d pay for it myself, since a) i have a job and b) it’s my education, and she starts bitching, saying “oh, well we both know who will end up actually paying for it.” and “you always put this shit on me.”


everyone says oh well just prove her wrong, but i’m fucking sick of having to do that can she ever just believe in me and trust that i’m doing the right thing for myself and that i can do shit on my own for once omfg.

I’m sorry I just really need to fucking rant right now. Read if you want? I dno.

I was watching an episode of 1 Girl 5 Gays earlier tonight, but it was a high school edition, so these boys were pretty much JUST coming out to family and friends and stuff like that. And for whatever reason, this episode struck a nerve. I’m not sure why, but it really got me thinking about how prejudice some people STILL are about gays. Watching it just made something click in my head that made me realize that I sorta kinda strongly dislike it when someone is prejudice against gays, and describes it using words like “disgusting” “gross” and “wrong”. I know I’m not the only one obviously who thinks about this, but I really just need to go on a rant here lol. I just think about how prejudice people can be, and because of it, I think a lot of young boys that are just discovering that they’re gay are afraid to come out just because of how strongly society thinks about it. People DO kill themselves over things like this and it makes me sick to my stomach that some people are still so unaccepting of this lifestyle that they’re almost always willing to go out of their way to shove their beliefs about gays down peoples throats, and make people who DO decide they’re gay feel wrong for being the way they are.

Although I don’t believe people are BORN gay, I think it’s something you adapt into in society and maybe decide one day “I like girls/boys the way I’m supposed to like boys/girls.” and another point that I’ve noticed that really bothers me is that some people are totally for lesbians because they think it’s “hot” or whatever, but when it comes to guys it’s just totally disgusting and wrong and shouldn’t be happening?
okay so maybe two dudes putting dicks in each others asses disgusts you, but they’ve decided that sexually, emotionally, physically or whatever, that they’re attracted to that, and that’s what makes them happy.
really, if it’s THAT disgusting to you, keep it to yourself. Because to those of us who have no problem whatsoever with gays, you’re just coming off as close-minded and super ignorant :\

had to get that out there.